Here’s the honest truth. Anxiety burns me out and makes me seem emotionally needy. It’s one of the worst parts of my condition, I constantly seem to need validation. I’m carrying a lot of demons and every kind word helps. Of course, it’s a lot to demand on my friends and I try to go at it alone as much as possible.
It’s easier for me to write than speak. I can hide behind words and screens. I can have grand adventures and still not risk pain.
In the real world, I stumble and fear every misstep. I feel judged and I feel unworthy, and I berate myself for every mistake.
The words that are so easy for me to wield fly back in my face. “Loser. Freak. Failure. Weird. Slow. Pathetic. Quit now.”
I can be brought to tears by a single correction, even if it is said with kindness.
All of this effort to fight my own self-doubts can make me exhausted and burn me out.
For the last four days, I’ve been living with this numbness inside of me. Even finding out the news that I made the second level of Krav Maga (yay me!) didn’t make me feel any better. I didn’t feel depressed, I didn’t feel scared. I felt bored.
Bless the French for being so sophisticated and finding such a great word to describe this feeling, (most likely caused by provincial Americans like me) ennui, defined as “a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction.”
This should not be how I feel. I’m a deeply passionate person. I do not go for pastel emotions, I am full-color drama and light. My highs are sublime, my lows are the Mariana Trench. My anxiety isn’t just a voice in my head, it’s an entire mosh pit of suck.
Anxiety’s greatest strength is its ability to make us feel isolated and make us crave further seclusion All of this drama saps me dry, and drives the people around me crazy.
How much more of the roller coaster can I take?
I feel like I’m fighting and I’m never going to find peace. It would be so much easier to just return to my cave of solitude, and stop trying to put myself out there.
I wish I had a hopeful message, but I’m writing the truth.
Today, I feel terrible, and I want to run away from everything.
Today, the demons were a lot stronger than any of my strikes.
Today, I’m in pain and I don’t know how I’m going to finish my tasks.
This is the reality of anxiety, some days you aren’t going to feel great. Some days, you will feel so overwhelmed that you want to give up and hide in some dark place to cry.
And on those days, all I can do is remember behind dark storm clouds, is the sun. Even if it feels so bleak and hopeless, I have to believe that the light will break through.
On days like this, I read the note scribbled to myself to give me the strength to chase the long night to find dawn.
As long as you don’t give up on yourself, I’ll never give up on you-Your Krav Maga Teacher
Take that, evil Amygdala.