I promised myself no Krav Maga for two weeks. I failed miserably. Sometimes, I bite off more than I can chew, and I choke on it.

I could be sad about it, but I am proud I tried, and I am closer to my goal than I was before. Success isn’t always achieving your initial goal, but creating a step towards an ultimate goal.

Instead, I’m going to try something more difficult. I’m going to not take my usual Krav Maga instructor, but one I’m much less familiar with.

There are several reasons:

First, I learn much better through socially distanced in-person training to training online. There’s just too much temptation that distracts me from my goals, and when I get frustrated, the wish to lie down on my bed and read becomes almost overpowering. I can’t really do that when the teacher is standing right there.

In-person training also provides me with much more feedback, both from working with a training partner, and the teacher standing right there who can correct me on the spot.

Second, it takes me out of my comfort zone. I am a creature of habit. Routine gives me structure in a world that feels chaotic. Once I acclimate something into my life, I prefer not to alter it in any way. So, if I like my current teacher, why should I try another one?

And to add a cherry on top of the sundae of fear, I am doing it in person. I don’t even like in-class training when it’s with my favorite instructor, because it means I don’t get breaks and I can’t take it easy. I already struggle with low self-esteem. Every time I make a mistake, I mentally castigate myself.

What keeps me going is the knowledge that after two and a half years, he has finally convinced me that he doesn’t think I am a complete failure when I struggle and that he doesn’t find my lack of coordination disturbing. (I’m sure he’d add he only finds it annoying when I turn off my camera during Zoom classes. For some reason, he presumes I do it because I’m slacking. I plead the 5th Amendment)

Now I have to deal with the anxiety with a teacher I don’t know as well, and I’ll have to keep assuring myself they aren’t hoping a meteor hits me and stops me from messing up their class.

I also still deal with social anxiety, being around people makes me nervous. I always wonder what they think of me, and am I socially appropriate?

So, instead of giving up Krav Maga, I’m going to do Krav Maga (which I struggle with) live (which I struggle with) with other people (which I struggle with) and with a change in my routine (which I really struggle with) and a new teacher (which I absolutely struggle with)

I’m starting to think I bite off more than I can chew again.

Still, failing is just a step on the way to success.

I just hope it doesn’t rain like last time.

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Writer, lawyer, Kravist, friend

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