I watched the Netflix show “When Heroes Fly” mostly for Michael Aloni and Tomer Kapon, who are two of the most beautiful men in the world. I got bored of the series but one thing that impressed me was the first episode, which discussed how it feels to live with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The way the flashbacks are shown are exactly how I feel as someone who lives with PTSD. I sometimes feel like I’m mentally made of fragile glass. It’s easier for bad experiences to tip me back into shattering depression and flashbacks and panic attacks.
I had a really traumatic weekend and I’ve been feeling a lot of flashbacks and feelings of guilt and shame. I am not allowing myself to dwell on it so I won’t record it here. Suffice it to say, while in some ways I was the aggrieved party, in many other other ways, I made a lot of mistakes. I tried something I wasn’t ready for and a lot of pain was caused.
Happily, I found my way out. I didn’t say the unspeakably nasty things I wanted to say, because I focused on the future. I am eager to get work in this new stage of my life. A lot of amazing things happened to me, that is really making me so happy and I feel like I can make a lot of progress.
Of course, to do that, I need to stop having panic attacks.
Normally, I would go to Krav Maga to handle this. I’d talk to my coach and we’d work together on some strategies while pounding the pads. But that’s impossible now.
I am trying other steps. I’m talking to wonderful friends who have been so supportive. I remind myself, that chapter of my life is over and I never have to engage it again.
That’s helping, but I still keep flashbacking and reliving my trauma. Being trapped in the house all day leaves me prisoner to my memories.
Normally, I would binge eat. For some reason, food helps break that flashback cycle. Still, I know it’s not a solution and it’s a form of trying to avoid facing my problems like an adult.
I often talk about my Krav Maga toolbox, the lessons given to me to guide me as a practitioner.
I’m struggling to find the tool that will help me now, so I’m just going to pick the one that has always helped me most.
“As long as you don’t give up on yourself, I won’t give up on you.”
As long as I don’t give up, I know that I have a whole team who won’t give up either. They may not be able to hug me and hold my hand, but their love and friendship and support are the stars in my sky, lighting up my night and guiding me towards the safety of the shore.
In every flashback, in every moment of self-hatred, I picture them in my mind.
It’s not going to be an easy journey, but at least, I don’t have to do it alone.
I wrote this last night, and was so exhausted, I fell asleep like a stone.
In the morning, I still feel my stars guiding me but I can also see the sunshine of a brand new day.