To Lose Or To Never Have

I started crying during my online Krav Maga class. I didn’t let anyone see, but I was seconds from full-on sobbing. I missed my friends on the screen so badly, that it physically hurt me. I missed hugs and dinners-out, I missed sparring and groundwork.

My Krav Maga class, the last time we were all together
My Krav Maga class, the last time we were all together

I was never this way until I found Krav Maga. I was happy to be alone. I didn’t crave touch. I knew I wanted friendship, but I had resigned myself to mostly be alone. I was good alone. It was all I ever knew, and like a worm in horseradish sauce, I thought the world sweet.

Then I changed my life. I forced myself to learn to like hugs and to like physical contact and to want friends. I went from the person who was home straight after work to the person who lived at the Krav Studio.

Then Covid-19 socially distanced me to be alone again. I’m back where I started, but now I know what I’m missing. That makes things so much worse.

That’s the eternal question. Is it better to love and lose than to never love at all?

After careful thought, the answer remains yes. If I never saw my beloved Krav family again and had to miss them for the rest of my life, these last 1000 classes would still be one of the best things that happen to me.

I sat down and made a list of the name of every friend I could think of who I missed, and next to it, write something they gave me that changed me.

A piece of advice. An experience. Anything that touched my heart.

I had a very long list. It felt awesome to relive those memories in my head and taste them again.

And suddenly, I don’t feel alone anymore.

Writer, lawyer, Kravist, friend

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