Disassociating would be great if it took me to happy places. It’s incredibly fascinating for my mind to take me to another place entirely, independent of my actual physical location. Every one of my senses is now attuned to the fictional location. Imagine being able to be in Narnia or Middle Earth or Valhallah, all without leaving your room. Unfortunately, disassociating takes me to my worst nightmares instead.
Over the last few days, my nerves have been fraying from all of the firecrackers. Last night, it was so bad I had nightmares and ended up rolling over and on the floor. Not exactly restful sleep.
This led to me having a panic attack at my workplace (no one saw, thankfully) and happily when an important project came up, I could work from home.
Yesterday, I had fully disassociated during Krav Maga and I was looking forward to a class to settle my nerves. As the teacher was introducing the class, a crack of thunder plunged me into a new nightmare.
Gone was the computer screen. Gone was the class. Gone was everything besides utter terror.
So I hunched down on the side, confused. My brain had stopped working and now I have no memory of anything that happened for the next ten minutes. I just existed in a fog.
And now I’m lying in bed, wondering why it’s so hard.
I had it under control before Covid-19. I had my job, I had my friends, I had a brightness to my day.
Then under social distancing, I fell apart. All my progress for sensory overload feels undone.
So, now what?
I wish I knew. I wish I had could say I had a plan and I was inspired and ready to begin battle.
I’m not. I’m exhausted. All my past demons, Depression, Anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, they all seemed to have chosen to quarantine with me.
And I can’t seem to make them leave.
However, I can document them. Hopefully, that will show me the way forward.