So, my wish from yesterday came true. I had hoped for it to be a short period of black depression, and after seven hours, I finally could see blue again.
It is a beautiful duality that what hurts us can also be what heals us. Blot clots kill 100,000 Americans annually. One of the anticoagulants that treat it is called tyrofabin. It made from the venom of the African saw-scaled viper, one of the most deadly snakes in the world. What kills also cures.
I feel that duality in my own life. Being social with others is often what gets me into depression. It’s so hard for me to understand others. But the love of my friends makes me reach out to them. And their love of me makes them reach out to me and remind me that I matter to them.
I’m so lucky that so many friends reached out to me yesterday, sending their love and advice. I got so many beautiful messages from people who reminded me that I had worth and that when the storm passed, I would see the sunlight. They had tough love and advice, but most importantly, they reminded me that I wasn’t a fool to keep trying. My socialization was a source of great value in my life, because it brought them into my life.
I am currently writing a thank you note to one of them and their family, who went above and beyond last night to give me one of the happiest days I’ve had all year. As soon as I entered their home, I felt like I had left my depression in the taxi.
I’m still going to be baffled by social interactions. People are unpredictable and scary. I’m still going to be scared. I’m still going to slide into depressions, but each time, they’ve gotten shorter and shallower.
I’m really in a good place. I know my next birthday is a milestone and I’m not where I want to be, and I’m scared I’ll never get there, but I’m also in a better place than I ever was to get there.
So, thank you. Thank you to every person who reaches out. Thank you to every friend who told me that I mattered to them.
One of my favorite shows growing up was the West Wing. In the episode “Noel” Leo McGarry tells a story.
This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out.
A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
”Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
”Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole.
Our guy says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’
The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.’” https://www.brightwalldarkroom.com/2016/12/12/when-christmas-cheer-sounds-like-panic-the-west-wings-noel/
Thank you for being that friend.