I screwed up.

I could blame Covid-19 or some really intense issues in my personal life. I could definitely discuss how much I hate Zoom classes, and how having my phone on to take class meant taking phone calls in class. I could also mention how much I hate moving away from air-conditioning, or how close my refrigerator is to my new home office. Of course, that would all be excuses. I am the one who let my training slip and today, I got slapped in the face when my primary teacher suggested I try a strike class taught by another teacher.

When I heard the first moment of the warm-up, my heart sank. “One hundred jumping jacks.” Yeah, that wasn’t going to be possible at my best. Currently, having completely regressed, I was thinking we might achieve one hundred of those in increments of five over a twenty-day period.

The warm-up only got harder from there and I started crying. It wasn’t even something I could control, I was sobbing so hard that I couldn’t even breathe. I felt like I had failed myself and failed my teachers and thrown away all my training. I had already been dealing with some self-esteem issues and it was just stabbing me in the heart. All of my progress was gone.

After forcing myself to calm down by deep breathing, and resisting the urge to compound my misery by buying and wallowing in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, I wondered how I would face my teacher. I respect him greatly, but even he admits he’s not the soft and overly compassionate type. As he said the last time I had screwed up, “I invested too much in you to see it all go to waste.” (Okay, the last word was a bit less polite) Well, it had all gone to waste again.

I know he told me he wouldn’t give up on me if I didn’t give up on myself. Well, I had given up on myself, I hadn’t trained as well as I should, so why shouldn’t he give up? My subconscious was back to shredding me, reminding me of every one of my insecurities.

Unpopular.

Ugly.

Out of shape.

Weird.

Alone.

Untalented.

Unwanted.

Underachieving.

Lazy.

Awkward.

At this point, I’m in a full-on spiral and it’s getting pretty self-destructive.

I am trying to find the courage to start the process again.

Because that’s all I have left, the willingness to try again after failure.

Image for post
Image for post
Image by from

Writer, lawyer, Kravist, friend

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store