In another lifetime, I thought I had a best friend. They were my first friend, and I thought they were amazing. Then things happened and resentment built and the friendship fell apart. Communication broke down, anger simmered, and it all erupted in a fight one night, and we never spoke again.
Do I wish that night never happened? Yes. With all my heart. I regret lashing out, and I regret hurting them. I hope I grew as a person to be someone who would have dealt with issues more openly and maturely. I don’t remember the details, but I am so sorry. They didn’t deserve my anger, even if they hurt me.
The hardest thing for me was realizing we never were friends in the first place. A former mutual friend confirmed that we fought all the time and really made each other miserable. We were doomed from the start. That broke my heart at first but gave me tremendous peace afterward. What happened was years of resentment and anger in the making.
I hope they never read this, but if they do, I sincerely regret any pain I caused them and wish there was a way to make amends. I understand I can’t, and I accept that. Yes, the friendship was over, and I wanted it to be over, but I should have been able to end it in a healthier way. I should not have lashed out, I should have done better. I failed to act in a correct manner and for that, I’m so sorry. I have worked on myself as a person and I truly regret my previous actions and do better now.
I hope they forgot about me. I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but I feel like any memories would just re-open old wounds. I have tried to forget about them as well because life has moved on and I know emotionally I’m healthier without them in my life. They weren’t a bad person, and I’d like to believe neither am I. We just grew apart and brought out the worst in each other. The friendship died violently.
Unfortunately, the dead don’t always stay buried. Due to mutual friends, sometimes, I find out random pieces of news about them, and today I found out they had a baby.
It’s strange to think that this person is a total stranger to me, but once knew me better than anyone in the world.
What would I say to them if I accidentally bumped into them? To be honest, I’d likely bolt away from that emotional minefield, for both our safety. I have it from the former mutual friend that it’s mutually hoped our paths never cross again.
But if I had to say something, I would first offer a sincere apology with no expectation of forgiveness. I can’t erase the past, but if I could do anything to make up for the pain I caused, I’d be happy to do it.
Then I would say one more thing. “I wish you every happiness and success in the world. I know this was your dream and I’m glad it came true. I hope you enjoy every second of parenthood.” And I’d mean it. “We made bad friends, but I still wish you joy.”
I’d like to believe they feel the same about me, that while they are not interested in being in my life, they hope I achieve happiness and success.
I think that is true because I hope they also realized the first acts of friendship we had (even if it was done in a terrible way) was to end the friendship that never was and move on to healthier lives.
But I hope to never find out the answer. Sometimes, it’s fine to appreciate the sunset and let the day go.
It can even be the most sincere show of love.