Root and Stem and Harvest
I posted an article yesterday, vowing to be brave and look towards the big picture, instead of letting the details bother me. I was going to throw myself into life fearlessly.
I’m currently dealing with a sore shoulder and talk-typing this article because my hand is spasming.
After injuring my shoulder, I melted down in class. I just lost it and ended up crying. Day One and failure hit me hard in the face. I had tried to be brave and my prediction had come true. I got smacked in the shoulder and was paying the price.
When I got home, I realized I needed to go to the store for some paper towels. As I shopped, filled with self-loathing, I passed my favorite dessert, a delicious lemon pie, who was waiting for me in a slick version of The Last Temptation of Crust.”
I stared at it tearfully. I had tried and failed. Why not drown my sorrows in a socially accepted poison that tasted so damn good? Yes, it’s really bad for my health condition, but I didn’t even care. I tried, I failed. Why bother?
Jordan Yates’s words ran through my head.
Even when someone shatters it on the floor with bitter malice, she picks up the pieces and tries again. https://qr.ae/pN9Igs
It was those words that reminded me of my greatest strength, my ability to keep going.
Yes, I failed in learning how to do judo rolls and that’s frustrating. My skills are rusty. I had also made a lot of progress and did some techniques I was too scared to do at first. I got into beast position, I did back-breakfalls, I worked with students outside my comfort zone.
Yes, I hurt my shoulder, and it hurts like the devil’s brand. Still, a few days rest and I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to the instructor about some safety modifications and how to balance caution and courage appropriately. I know I just have to take more time to work on my strength training and proprioception skills.
Yes, I melted down in class, which was humiliating. No one thought any less of me. Actually, my friends remained at my side and showed that they cared about me by making sure I got home safely. They care about me, at my best and my worst. When I fell, they were there to pick me up. And if they hadn’t, I would have gotten myself home.
Yes, I tried to be vulnerable with a friend and it backfired badly. I took stock of the situation and decided the best approach was to apologize for the contributions I made to the situation falling apart. Spiraling into self-loathing or becoming resentful towards the friend would be a victim and problem-based mentality, a mentality that a few words said in the heat of the moment would be allowed to eat away at my self-esteem and my friendship.
I chose the courageous mentality that is goals and solutions-based, to that the friendship’s overall value far outweighs those words, and to invest my time in modifying my behavior to make that friendship as strong and healthy as possible.
Yes, that pie could comfort me, but why was I sad?
True, my shoulder really hurt, but it wasn’t permanent. Also, unless that pie had some…special ingredients, it wouldn’t actually solve the pain problem that some rest wouldn’t do far better.
Otherwise, things were good.
I pushed myself in class and improved.
I bonded with friends.
I unraveled a knot in my interpersonal dealings in a mature way that will make further interactions much more fruitful and fulfilling.
I didn’t even have to pick myself up from the floor, I wasn’t shattered at all. I was sore and tired, but I was quite whole.
I had all the fears I was hiding from actually happening.
There had been meltdowns, poor self-esteem, training issues, pain, and social issues with others.
Here I was and I was fine. The world hasn’t come to an end. And if I made better choices with my nutrition and training, it would only get easier.
Maybe blooming isn’t as bad as I thought.
Some days, failures won’t be this easy and I’ll have some hard days.
In those days, I will pick up the pieces and tries again and again, until I find my way through.
No pie required.