I have decided to begin a new series of articles, Making a Meltdown Plan, so that every time my mind decides to go haywire, I have a guide to get it back on track.
Over the next few entries, I want to share the map I’m creating, with resources and tips for others. Here is how it all began.
I thought it was over.
After eleven days of full on clinical depression, I was sure my life had returned to normal.
I was wrong. As I sit in my kitchen, writing, I suddenly feel the icy and inky fingers of depression’s other form, Anxiety, on my shoulder. “I didn’t forget you either.”
I am struggling to take a deep breath. This can’t be happening. I was supposed to be better now. I am actually writing my thoughts down, my hands shaking, because I know writing is one thing I do well. I want to record this journey into Hell, in hopes of it being my light out.
I had learned a lot of difficult truths about myself in the last few weeks.
I know that the more I respect someone, the more I am convinced that they don’t really like me, because I can’t imagine anyone as amazing as them would like me.
I know that I’m addicted to praise and affirmation, because it lets me briefly out of the window of self-loathing.
I know I fear people hurting me, and become clingy enough to suck people’s energy away.
I know that I can easily tip into depression or anxiety, and once in, it’s not easy for me to get out.
So, what now? I look to my wall of sayings, quotes of people which help me create a mental tool box. “Perceptions is reality.” What if I said, for now?
For now, all these things are true for me. But they don’t have to be true forever. They are concepts I can work on.
I am working to respect myself more. I am capable of liking myself and being liked by others.
I am working to unburden myself of a need for praise and affirmation, because I’m no longer self-loathing.
I am working to know that if people hurt me, I am strong enough to defend myself both physically and emotionally, and therefore, I don’t need to be clingy and suck people’s energy.
I am working on creating a plan so that if I tip into depression or anxiety, I know the way to get out again.
The demons in my head gain their strength from telling me that I’m trapped. However, when I face the knowledge that their grips can break, I transition to the idea that they will break.
Suddenly, breathing feels just a bit easier.
And I realize, I have just discovered my newest project.