Hello Depression, My Old Fiend

So, it’s back.

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My amazing Krav family, and my incredible teacher Raz Chen, showing me how to be strong!

It started a few weeks ago when I became clingy and my eating went haywire. My nightmares got worse and I began having panic attacks. I kept thinking it was just a phase, even as I lost enjoyment for all of my favorite hobbies.

I only called it for what it was when I realized I was hoping a suicide bomber would just destroy the bus I was on. I wasn’t actively seeking to end my life, but I definitely would have preferred being dead to being alive. It was at that moment that Depression sat down next to me, squeezed me tight and said: “Missed me?”

No, I really didn’t. In fact, I was hoping I’d never see it again, but there it was, smiling triumphantly to have caught me.

It’s a terrifying feeling to know I have another battle ahead of me. Yet, even though I have my moments of despair, I have this wild confidence inside of me that makes me smile.

The last time I fought Depression, I was almost alone. Like some desperate guerilla fighter escaping hostile territory, I managed to claw my way back to sanity against overwhelming odds. I had just started Krav Maga, and the strength it gave me mentally give me the courage to push through and get the help I needed.

This time, I’m not alone at all. I’m surrounded by the most wonderful friends a person can have, who have given me unconditional support and love. Their hugs, their kind words, their jokes, their advice, their time, I’m humbled and grateful for everything they do for me.

They remind me that I will succeed and I am stronger than I ever imagined.

Yes, I’m scared and I’m feeling a lot of pain. I’m hearing the voices inside me telling me how worthless I am, how no one likes me, how I should just give up. I’m struggling with my diet and I’m really finding it hard to get work done. I’m a mess emotionally, exhausted from the psychological weight on my shoulders.

All that has changed is, I know I can fight through the worst of life. So what is Depression is bigger and stronger than me? After over 600 Krav Maga classes, fighting from the position of the underdog is natural to me. I have learned how to work hard and challenge myself, and I’m ready for a fight.

When I feel like I can’t go on, I have people all around me willing to help me and who will fight alongside me, while I find the treatment that will restore my joy back to me.

Depression is still there, looking smug as it squeezes me tight. I smile back and say “I look forward to missing you again.”

It’s not a threat. It’s a promise.

Writer, lawyer, Kravist, friend

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